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(no subject)

Feb. 25th, 2017 | 10:50 pm

I am on my way toward a change. God I mean it this time.

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(no subject)

Aug. 31st, 2016 | 03:50 am

Here I am again.

Not in the way of updating this journal. Not even in the way of, yeah, Brett and I broke up again, this time for real.
No. Here I am again in a debilitating mental state. Here I am again holding onto my eating disorder's hand for dear life. (Fully aware that it's absolutely insane that I personify a disease that way.)

So here's the skinny on that front. Pun fully intended.
I fell into a pretty deep depression even before the last time Brett and I broke up. He could see it when we were together and I honestly cannot pinpoint where it came from, but I hardly ever can. It just kind of crept up on me. Maybe because my life feels stagnant, maybe because I was getting fat and that triggered me or maybe just because that's how my body functions. I'm thinking it's a little bit of all of the above. In any case, it happened. This was a few months ago. Then Brett finally left me for good, as he should have, and I absolutely plummeted down the rabbit hole. I've lost about 15 pounds since early July and now my appetite is 100% gone. I started obsessively watching weight loss documentaries and posting in old forums I used to go on and calorie counting and crying and crying and crying and drinking and crying. And hiding. Hiding my problem from the people around me and using my problem to hide from everything else.

But there's been a difference this time. My anxiety flew through the roof. I was eating a maximum of 200 calories a day. (I'm up to about 500 now.) And I was drinking too much and sleeping very little. So naturally my anxiety disorder came out to play, very violently. It was getting me sent home from work and interfering with my life at every moment. So I bit the fucking bullet. I finally did it. I finally reached out.
I went to a doctor in the neighborhood that my health insurance recommended to me for mental health issues, (I like to think I'm relatively healthy otherwise although I'd rather not have my heart or my liver checked,) and although I had a massive panic attack in the lobby, once she called me in and sat me down, things started to clear up.
Bless this doctor for being the only professional in my life up to this point who has seemed to genuinely care and understand and be willing to listen to me through tears and shakiness. I won't go into the details of that long appointment but the short of it is that she couldn't prescribe me benzos even though she normally would with my panic attack frequencies, because of my drinking which she advised me not to stop cold turkey. But she did give me a prescription for Paxil which is an anti-depressant and told me to start taking 20mg a day immediately for 1 week and up the dosage to 30mg a day after that. She also sent referrals to 2 different psychiatrists in the area who are better practiced in disordered eating for me so I can continue this twisted, fucked up journey without just relying on meds for the rest of my life. Honestly just the relief of knowing I reached out and had that conversation and that I'm on the road to recovery eased my anxiety ten fold.
I'm also going back for a follow up appointment with her this week simply because she knows I can't get into one of those places for a good 4-6 weeks and she wants to check in on me. My heart soared when I heard that. Someone actually gives a shit.

So I started on the Paxil this weekend and the first couple of days, really up until today, were absolute hell. Puking, quivering, dizziness akin to vertigo, and severe fatigue. I'm sure my eating habits have something to do with that but apparently those are all common side effects as your body adjusts to the medication so I haven't been worried about it. And today was much better. I slept through most of the day but when I woke up I was able to stay awake and I had some energy which is abnormal because before I was waking up and ready to go back to sleep 2 hours later.
I was also able to eat a good 10 bites of pasta and a banana and kept it down! Haven't puked all day!

Things are looking up, I hope.
We'll see. Baby steps.

(Oh, also, stopped drinking!) Big thumbs up to myself for that.

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(no subject)

Mar. 31st, 2016 | 11:42 pm

I felt as though my life was in a good place for a while. At least I felt as if it were in a better place. A decent place. But things are splitting at the seams now. The situation with Brett is getting bad. Almost to the point of it not being a situation anymore. Which is heartbreaking.
On top of that, my finances are draining. Quickly and devastatingly. Thank god I have my mother to back me up when things get hard but I don't want to be relying on my mother for help every month when I'm short on all of my bills.
I'm trying to get things together. I'm drinking so much less. I'm not going out. My social life is suffering for it but I don't care because I need to focus on myself. I think I'm just confused about how to do that. I have been so guilty of falling into unfortunate patterns and not being able to pull myself out of them. This particular pattern just happens to be going to work every day at a job I don't like, and going home and feeling sorry for myself at the end of the day.
I realize that's unhealthy. I need to find a way out. Which sounds simple and easy, and for a lot of people, it would be. For me, it hasn't been.

There are so many things I could have done differently.

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(no subject)

Jan. 27th, 2015 | 02:56 am

You're the only person I've ever been in love with who I've never even kissed. Really, never touched. I love you so deeply though, I always have. I've wanted you since I was thirteen years old. THIRTEEN. For nine years I've always known that I could never pledge myself to anyone else forever without knowing what could be between us. As much as I want to ignore it, I've thought about you through literally every relationship I've ever had. Even him.

You've been with her for a long time. Probably the same amount of time I've pined after you, or nearly so. But please, please don't marry her. Marry me. At least see if you'd like to. Because I think I would love you more splendidly and perfectly than anyone ever could. I could be yours forever. I think about you a lot.

I may not ever say anything to you. But if I go another year without speaking, I'll have to. A decade of unrequited love is too much to bear. I have to go for it at that point and just sink or swim, I suppose.

Although, now that I think about it, I don't think it's always really been unrequited. You told me once how you felt but it was shy and inconsequential.
I talk to you about once a year these days.

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(no subject)

Jan. 27th, 2015 | 02:31 am

Thoughts:

I'm drunk
I would give absolutely anything to be fucked to In the Aeroplane Over the Sea again. it's been long enough I think I could stand it.
I am so in love with 90's - early 2000's r&b and pop music, no fucking shame whatsoever. I just fucking JAMMED to Hit Em Up Style (as usual) even though I have no reason to be so passionate about that song.

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(no subject)

Jan. 12th, 2015 | 06:20 pm

Every time a spill of sadness creeps over the back of my hands and tries to work its way on in, I regress a little bit. My familiar patterns of regression aren't necessarily harmful, (no more harmful than the crippling depression that causes them,) but definitely intriguing and strange each time. I'm reading the old blogs and forums I used to read when I was discovering how to be a little adult.
When am I supposed to finally get the hang of that, by the way? Will they send a certificate of achievement in the mail or something? I feel like I've been waiting for ten years for some validation of my ability to cope & have my "shit" together but so far, nothing. Maybe that says more about me than the efficiency of whatever universe team is in charge of that kind of thing.

I'm listening to the music that used to help, and it still helps. I look at my face in the mirror and god, I've aged myself dramatically in the past year. I drink and smoke and pinch my skin until my nerves are numb and my words are cold. I'm enough to turn water into demons but instead I cut out the middle man and run straight for the demons.

It's been a weird year so far, I miss everything.

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(no subject)

Jun. 5th, 2012 | 07:11 pm

What even is life right now?! My god, things are changing so rapidly!

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(no subject)

May. 24th, 2012 | 01:20 am
music: I always try to not remember, rather than forget.

I forgot to eat today.

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(no subject)

Apr. 17th, 2012 | 06:12 pm

Days with new Mraz are supposed to be better than all of the others. This one was, until it suddenly wasn't. And now it's time for shots.

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Writer's Block: Desert island

Sep. 22nd, 2011 | 04:46 pm

List three books that have changed your life:
The Perks of Being a Wallflower: I was 13.

The Bell Jar: I suffer.

Siddhartha: I feel.

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